Its 4am and I’m pulling an “all nighter” just like i do many nights. While  my husband and dogs are snoring away, I sneak out of the room and head down to the couch to either read magazines , get sucked into ordering something from those “suck me in” infomercials, or sometimes just sit with a cup of hot tea and think.  Lately I’ve had this very strange pit in my stomach..a feeling i just haven’t ever felt before..its a sad empty weird feeling so i’ve wondered what this feeling inside me is lately.  Then tonite, it hit me like a brick. This is the first year without at least ONE of my parents for the holidays….and its breaking my heart.

A year ago immediately after my huge December sale, I locked up the door after the final customer left, (didn’t even tally up tickets or anything, not even cleaning up the place) and drove to my hometown because my mom got very ill. I will never forget pulling into my hometown and deep down when I saw the small town lit up with the same lights that were used when I was a child, I had a heart wrenching feeling this was going to be the last Christmas with my mom, the remaining “part” of my parents.

 my hometown street decorations…..in photos above..taken last year when i drove into town

 

I remember walking into her bedroom and she was lying there on her side…she could hardly move. She had been sick for a while and the dr.’s in that community and a community close by could never give her any answers. I was determined to get answers. After much begging and doing research we brought her to Oklahoma City and the process began. She was tired but her mind was sharp as a tack. My daughter and my husband were my lifesavers. I rearranged my work schedule and took her to as many doctors as I could. My sweet friend Julie helped us find the appropriate doctors. Kidney failure had taken its toll.

Moms birthday is on Christmas day. While she was at dialysis I went shopping and as I was buying her lots of gifts, I knew she wouldn’t live long enough to enjoy them. My daughter and I decorated the house Christmas eve while mom was in dialysis and when we brought her home, we had a birthday party for her. We videotaped the party and I think I still watch it twice a week, and look at the photos almost everyday.

 the cake we had for moms christmas birthday

 

After a few weeks of mom having to hold on to furniture to walk, she then had to use a cane..then be pushed in a wheelchair, then she wasn’t able to walk at all on her own. We had to lift her in and out of bed, then feed her, all while she was mentally perfect. She was watching her loose her body while her mind was still perfect. My daughter came to our house every day for lunch and spent every night with me on the other couch while we watched her sleep. Then the news came. The dr.’s told her dialysis was killing her…she could continue taking it and die, or she could find someplace comfortable and die peacefully. Kidney failure is a peaceful death they explained. Something I did not understand. She felt no pain during the entire illness.

 the last tree mom saw…we packed it with things for her birthday and christmas.

 

The words were heart wrenching, but I wanted the dr.’s to be upfront at all times. It was hospice time. We turned our tv room into “her room”. I brought things from her bedroom, photos of my dad and her, and still laugh at one photo when she stared at it and said..”i sure was a pretty girl”.  I smiled and said “you still are mom”. We kept fresh flowers by her bed, kept the tv on QVC (and yes I’m now addicted )  My daughter and I kept her wrinkle cream applied, her lipstick, her moisturizer, and her hair done everyday. Its what she would have wanted.  Her favorite nephew and his wife drove up to see her from Kentucky 3 days before she passed. My brother was here when they were visiting so it was a great family time.

The day came we were warned about…the sleep coma. Its a memory I can’t get out of my mind. My daughter was engaged and so wedding plans were taking place but we were trying to not discuss it much knowing mom wouldn’t be there. Mom talked constantly about her dad and my dad…she couldn’t wait to see them she kept saying.

She had a great christmas and we talked about when I was a little girl at Christmas. I was very onry around the holidays. I would open gifts and wrap them back…I wore a ring once an entire week to school that I was “getting for Christmas”..and put it back in the box .I would get a sharpie and mark in every catalog that arrived what all I wanted…(okay i still do that) I would check the closets, under beds for gifts…(okay I still do that too..I’m seriously bad). Mom and I laughed so much about things. We had the best Christmas with her. At 1am one morning my daughter was talking to my mom while she lay in the hospital bed in our house and she asked my mom “grandma, what was momma like when she was  a little girl”..I pretended to be asleep and I was afraid what my mom would say and she said “she was a sweet girl…and she still is”. That made me cry silently as I sat and heard the grandmother and granddaughter have quality time together. They were so close and I”m grateful for that. My mom was the best grandmother in the entire world.

 christmas 2010,,mom and my daughter

That morning at 5:25 am, I was sitting in the chair watching my mom breathe/sleep (she had come in and out of the sleep coma ) and she opened her eyes and looked over at me with the biggest smile and opened her mouth like she was so excited and then looked upwards like she was seeing someone she knew..she then looked at me again and smiled…then she was gone. I know she saw both her dad and my dad. That was the best gift my mom had ever gotten and its what she had been wanting for years since she lost my dad. She was finally with the two men who loved her so much.

Leaving behind her two girls in the room (and my sister in law was with us that evening/morning too…grateful she was here )…we said our goodbyes to the woman who had the best birthday party and Christmas ever.

So as I sit here tonite wondering why I’ve been so sad lately when I have so much to be grateful for, I’m reminded that I”m human. I’ve lost both my parents and I feel very alone this holiday for the first time in my 51 years. My daughter is now married, my parents are gone, and the new generation/chapter begins. Hearing the Christmas songs this year takes on different meanings. I feel like I”ve been abandoned in some ways and lost in others.

 me at 10

 

I only wish I had enjoyed my younger years more and not wasted so many nights worrying….like I’ve been doing tonite…but at least tonite I know what the worry is about…its about heartbreak, change and life.

  i’m feeding my baby i got for christmas in this picture….notice the bottle.

 

Mom and dad get to celebrate her birthday and Christmas for the first time together in 13 years, so I have to be happy for them and not selfish for us.

Treasure your family, embrace their good, forgive for their bad, and be grateful for one more day.

Merry Christmas mom and dad…and Happy Birthday mom.

childhood christmas photos of my brother and me.

Happy Holidays to you all

 

love,

lee

 

We decided to go back to my moms family roots for Thanksgiving.  My mom passed away in January and her favorite nephew,Bill and his wife Tommie drove up from Kentucky to  say their final ” goodbye ” to her a few days before she passed away. My husband and I decided /planned to take a road trip with my daughter and her husband to go down memory lane for and pay my respects to my mothers life .

As a child we would load up in the early dark marking hours . Mom would pack sandwiches and daddy would fill two milk cartons cut in half with frozen water and bring the ice pick.  That was our ice for the road trip that we were about to embark upon. I can remember driving thru Afton Oklahoma and we would stop at Buffalo Ranch. It was only fitting that we started that direction on this road trip.  We found out that Buffalo Ranch is not the same as it was in years past ..its now a convenient store. Broke my heart. Buffalo still there, but just not the same.

It use to be an old fun trading post. Sure the buffalo are still there, but not like it use to be so I was disappointed.  On my childhood trips we would stop at a place in Missouri called Hillbilly Junction. This is when my mother would get very angry at me. I would run inside and get into the toys and place a corn cob pipe in my mouth and start talking differently trying to have an accent. Yes I got into trouble and rightfully so..but it was good memories. We would buy our Daniel Boone skin hats. So on this trip I was excited to show everyone. We arrived and it was out of business.Another  disappointment. Things change…all things.

We took Norman…he goes with us everywhere we go in the United States. He is such a great little travel guy!

 

I started having the memories of  my brother and I and how we would start the process of ” stay on your side”  ” momma he hit me” and the long trip began . After a few hours I was driving my daughter crazy in the back seat just like I did my brother!

My mom would make my dad stop at every antique store along the way.Sometimes he would stay outside but I would always go inside with my mother   There was one shop I always remember because it was an elderly man who lived next door and we had to always knock on his door to have him open his shop next door.  So off we go…” Mom I’m going home for thanksgiving “.

 Antique stores along the way.

loved finding this! 

On this trip, We found a quaint old cafe along the way and we stopped since we were starving. We stepped inside and it was like walking back in time. I spoke with the owner, she worked at this cafe when she was younger and later decided to purchase it and turn it back into how it “use to be”.I had breakfast for lunch…due to breakfast is served all day. The boys had burgers and enjoyed them. Pie looked  amazing, but we were too stuffed for pie.

 

Another fun stop was Patty’s 1880 settlement…it was like a mini Dollywood…it made me laugh. It had the gift shop of a cracker barrel, and the food of an amazing restaurant. Bread was served in clay flower pots, their famous pork chop was 2 inches high with their famous sauce and their pie, well, lets just say it was amazing. So much for my rules on me eating only organic…that went right down the drain.

We stopped at Elizabeth town for coffee. A charming coffee shop was along the way. My husband didn’t get to enjoy it because he “thought” he had lost his credit card so he totally freaked out and was outside on the phone the entire time…it was in his wallet.

 

Our favorite town along the way was Bardstown. The boys found a few bourbon places to spend time and my daughter and I found some darling little shops. We also visited My Old Kentucky Home…it was not busy due to the holiday approaching, so the workers were getting all of the lights ready for the next day. I can say we will return to this charming town indeed.

 The guys  sampling the bourbon

 No wonder the guys loved this place.

We made it to my mothers home town. Stanford Kentucky. I spent many summers here as a child.

 I love this home. Kentucky architecture is beautiful.

My mother was raised on a tobacco farm. I have some of my grandfathers tools from the place today. Its changed a lot, so it was sad to see its not the way it use to be. We went into the small quaint town. I had found a photo of my mom from the 50’s and my daughter and I found the exact spot where it was taken and had our photo taken there too.

my mom in the 50’s…and my daughter and I today in front of the same building!!!!!

We also found the old building where the department store was located that my mother sold my dad a “belt” and it was love at first sight from that day forward.

 The old storefront that my mom worked and met daddy.

Stanford is a cute little town…not many shops there, but a darling restaurant, a cute soda fountain with original pharmacy, and a lovely shop where they make soap in the basement. Charming, quaint, and to know my mom walked the same steps as my daughter and I were walking made us feel like she would be proud we were there in her “shoes”. The Stanford courthouse is beautiful. I remember climbing the steps as a child.

We met a lot of my moms family in front of the courthouse and then walked across the street to the original soda fountain for lunch!

Here is the creek that my cousin Tammy and I use to play in when we were little..we would spend hours in this creek. I would take Barbie dolls and pretend that the “moss” was their carpet!

Here is the small church my mother attended growing up.  My mothers family name is Berry…its where we got the name for her gift shop that she owned for so many years was called..”The Berry Patch.”

We then headed off to Williamsburg Kentucky to see my mothers favorite nephew and his wife. We ate a lovely thanksgiving dinner with him and his family. His home is beautiful right in the hills of the Cumberland Falls area, which we of course stopped and hiked but it got too dark…thats another story for another day!  His house is one that my mother was always proud to say was her nephews and it is filled with love and joy in the hills of Kentucky. His new barn is a lovely addition that makes it seem like something in a Norman Rockwell Painting.

 My mothers nephews land/barn Cumberland Falls.

 

 My cousin Tammy that I haven’t seen in years!

 My cousin Tonya that I haven’t seen in years!

It was a great trip with my daughter and her new husband, our new son in law and many laughs were had by us all in the “road trip”. Sitting in the back seat with my daughter made me feel like a child again…except it was laughing with my daughter and not my brother like I did as a child.

 

Momma, we went back home….just for you..

Hoping all of you had a great Thanksgiving just like we did in our family.